I let them go today. I had to. I didn’t really know what to say. GOD said “follow your heart, the truth is there waiting to be let out” it goes as follows:
A vent and a farewell:
Thank You for letting me back in. I know I do this a lot but I really need to let go of this friendship/s, I feel, like there’s no room for me being myself anymore. It’s like I never feel like I am genuinely being treated like a friend deserves. Even before hand. Before anyone says I didn’t invest I did invest, my time. What can be more valuable than time. Especially free time. Which I have way less of now. I even said if anyone wanted to come with me to the court to register my fathers business, no response other than someone who said they are down then canceled, so no, it definitely wasn’t that. And I get it people do change, but if change means you no longer have friends who treat You good and make You a go getter and encourage, and inspire then what is change, but instead a trap. And realizing I’ll never have my playful friends back and have to settle for what you’ve all become is not letting me live in peace. It’s like I regret coming back. Because I am also alive. I still feel, I still have a warm heart. Call me soft and not a man, I really don’t care. Jesus was “soft” then in your logic. You became cold because of fear. That doesn’t make you a man it makes you a coward with a turtle shell. I believe in Soul, and God and I’m not who You think I am. I Am Me. I am beyond my goofy self also. I believe in Love. In meditating. In finding God within. But what does that truly mean if nobody cares about that, the closest thing would be Esteban but he’s religious. I can’t behave like I know what I’m talking about when I say Jesus is God but beyond the Bible. He wouldn’t even believe me. Nobody would. And to be Me I always had to isolate myself in high school. I am not happy here, I tried it, I can’t say it’s been the best return. I HAVE STRONG ideas. I know. I probably angered a few of You. Or maybe you don’t care, you never did, I really can’t say what’s on your minds. And I probably made you feel unwelcome. I didn’t mean to. Don’t take the opinions of others to heart, it’s that, an idea that differs from your own. In high school I didn’t even tell you when one of my family members passed away because I felt it would be laughed at. I suffered in silence. That says it all. Playful doesn’t mean disrespectful. Playful and disrespectful will never be synonymous. I was suffering and I had to act like I was okay. Now I’m not acting. And won’t. I’m not okay. And this is not okay that I can’t be goofy and feel I have to apologize for making any single joke. A friend should never feel he has to restrict himself, what kind of a friend would do that to another? I am going through hell. Withdrawals Covid, a break up. The weight of the world is on me it feels like, I need to put on a persona and feel okay. But I’m not okay and I won’t satisfy anyone who falls short for me. How can I call Serg a friend right now? Couldn’t you all have just laughed at a simple Joke? Was it really too much to ask for? Can we all stop being so unkind over a silly video and not say to another don’t take it so serious man? I found it funny. The question is, would real friends make another friend feel like I felt in that situation? I would say the answer is No. I know the friends I grew up with. They would apologize for being that way, the friends I grew up with wouldn’t have even have had to apologize for that because they would’ve joined me in laughing. It’s not my fault You are no longer those people I met. Truth be told, I hid my true nature because I always felt mocked. Jeevus Christ remember. Yes this feels liberating to say. And I don’t mean to bother or anger any one of You I am simply letting off the truth from my chest because if I ever gave a damn about any of You, You deserve the raw real truth. I’m only being this real because I did love You guys. But I can’t see a future with this friend group if I feel suffocated. And I forgive You all. I would say Anthony is the most genuine one here who isn’t a tough guy afraid to be his real self. I respect the fuck out of him got that. That takes balls. Do as a child does said Christ, and you shall know the Kingdom of Heaven. Be childlike. Not grumpy unkind followers of the world. Stop letting the world turn you into Batman. Batman failed to see the magic in life. Follow your soul. Learn from this. Don’t hate me for it. I gave You all a chance and constantly felt pushed away. Remember, this is not to blame anyone here, but I have always said.
One day, I will be real with all of You. And here it is. I am tired of settling for unsatisfying relationships like I put up with my cheating ex. Not that it’s a comparison. But it’s a pattern. Cant we all do and be better? Did I really deserve that? It doesn’t matter. And if you feel sorry know before you said it I already had forgiven You. Move on with your life and your goals. I’ll be rooting for You all. But I really need to go my own way. And stop pretending we resonate. I just don’t feel we do. My fault maybe? I can’t consider this a solid friend group. It’s not helping me. I need to focus on myself.
. Your old friend, The real me
-Unknown
DESTINATION UNKNOWN 